And so, the clouds have lifted. The tinge of parody that gave my smile a distant glow has given way as my expression once again becomes illuminated by authenticity.

I am enpowered by the cathartic efforts of my training regime; encouraging  my muscles to work until they are exhausted has somehow stretched the exertions of my mind. I train, I eat, I feed my little ones, I read, I sleep.

I am nurturing myself.

Just as in the role of Mummy, when I revel in the emotions of comforting and caressing my children, I am going back to basics and ministering, nourishing my own self from the deepest abdominal muscle that I (or my instructor) can force me to find right to the cerebral core as I delve into subjects such as Buddhism and other matters that are far too intense for me; this is what I need. When I feel like I am breaking, losing myself under pressure, the challenge to my mind and to my body is the confrontation that I subconsciously require to get me back on track. It's most probably the narcissist in me...I need to prove to myself that I can fight the face-off. And win.

Anyway, I'm enjoying myself. I'm speaking with friends who are positive...I am surrounding myself with that which I wish to be. My friend Debbie: inspirational. My friend Christie: honest. My best friend Sarah: mischievous and perpetual. I will always be Sian Marie and Sian Marie's pretty damn ace when she gets her head out of her arse and halts the occassinal worry/wallow fest. But, there's nothing wrong with bettering yourself and being your better self more often. The way things are going, it's highly likely that this time next week I may just be the best thing since sliced bread...a body of sculpted abs, organicly fed, with profound buddhist conviction...

Nice idea but i've learned this week to be true to thyself. And the former, though it may be one persons ideal, and maybe even my ideal (today, anyway), this would never be me. So i'll see you after my glass of wine when the belly is a touch paunched but a smile- a genuine smile- you shall most certainly see.

TTFN :) xo